A couple of years ago I was in a very short but intense relationship. During those 3 months, not a day went by without an argument that left me questioning just what the hell I was doing with this person. It was 3 months of breaking up; she did the breaking up and I allowed her back in time and time again. Once I was able to extricate myself from the situation, I could not for the life of me, figure out WHY I let it go on for as long as it did and while granted 3 months seems a short period of time, it seemed like a lifetime.
Today’s lesson asked to draw a picture of what it looks like to take responsibility for someone else and then write a poem. The first thing that came to mind was what I consider a mental breakdown in this relationship where I witnessed myself, as if in an out of body experience completely hand over my power to this woman.
If I could draw a picture of what my taking responsibility for someone else’s feelings looks like, it would depict me down on my knees begging forgiveness for mouthing words that upset her, tears streaming down my face as I plead for her not to leave me.
How dare I have feelings
How dare I desire to want to express my feelings
How dare I expect that you hear and see me as a being with feelings separate from your own
How dare I desire to be heard by you
How dare I be affected by situations that evoke emotions that seek to be expressed only to evoke your venom instead of your empathy
How silly of me to believe you capable of listening to my feelings without feeling attacked by my words
How silly of me to believe you capable of offering support and consolation while I shared a moment of grief with you rather than seizing an opportunity to feel affronted and judged by an experience that had nothing to do with you
Thank you for bringing me to my knees
Thank you for the experience to witness my brokenness in action
Thank you for allowing me to see how completely I had given my power away
Thank you for that powerful moment of clarity that helped make the decision to take back control of my life and well-being