4 Benefits of Self-Love

 

Adobe Spark (6)

Your emotional immune system is restored when it’s rebuilt on a foundation of self-love. Self-love is made up of self-worth, self-respect, self-esteem, and self-confidence. For survivors of abuse especially in childhood, like myself, our emotional immune system was damaged at essential stages during our development. Self-love can be cultivated through practicing self-compassion, self-acceptance, self-forgiveness, and self-trust.

#1 Benefit of Self-Love: SELF-WORTH

When we believe we are inherently defective, we then have to hide our real self, our essence, and try to become what we think we need to be, to be acceptable. The wounded self takes over and loses touch with our core Self – who we really are. We are stuck defining ourselves through our looks and performance, and we are stuck suffering the anxiety that comes from being so vulnerable to others’ disapproval. – Dr. Margaret Paul

For many years, I allowed my value to be defined by my ability to please others. It made me physically ill to disappoint those I looked to to give me a sense of value, my friends, parents, teachers, bosses and my intimate partners. I made everyone I came into contact with responsible for my feelings and tried to control how they felt about me by being who they wanted me to be.

The fear that they would see me the way I saw myself, as worthless, was so great, it took all my strength and focus to keep up the pretense that I was perfect. I lived this way for so long, I forgot who I was and how to be me. I was unable to see myself through the eyes of pure love. Relationships based on external approval will never survive. The real you, your essence will always seek to be seen, heard and felt and the discord this creates between the pull to be free and the push to suppress facing your truth will always cause you pain.

fbpost-self-worth-1-30-2016

#2 Benefit of Self-Love: SELF-RESPECT

Your values and beliefs determine how you see yourself and your place in the world and go hand in hand with what you deem acceptable behavior and treatment. As children, we were unable to protect ourselves from those who were stronger than us and meant to do us harm. As adults, we alone are responsible for our path in life because we have freedom of choice.

Our experiences in childhood shaped our values and beliefs so if your experience as an adult is less than desirable, do a self-inventory to determine what your values and beliefs are. What, where and with whom you spend your time and money on will tell you your values. Your results in health, wealth and love will clue you in to your beliefs about your self-worth.

An aspect of cultivating self-love is liking, accepting and honoring who you are and where you are in life even as you take steps to change your adult experience into one that is more loving and supportive to your well-being. As you like, accept and honor yourself, you become intolerant to anyone or anything that is not in accordance with that. As you journey on your path to self-improvement, self-respect will help keep you grounded and protected from those who wish you harm.

fbpost-self-respect-1-31-2016

#3 Benefit of Self-Love: SELF-ESTEEM

Self-esteem is the result of taking loving action, not the cause of it. It doesn’t matter how badly you were treated as a child, or how badly your parents treated themselves. Your actions need never be governed by your past. When taking loving action in your own behalf replaces your inattentive and judgmental behavior toward yourself, you will discover that the result is high self-esteem. – Dr. Margaret Paul

Are you more critical and judgmental of yourself or more loving towards yourself? Do you treat yourself and allow others to treat you in ways that build up your spirit or in ways that tear you down? Think of the thoughts you have about yourself when you stand naked and look in the mirror or when you make a mistake at work or have an argument with your partner. How many of your daily thoughts carry negative energy? Do you think things like “You’re so fat” or “You’re so stupid” or “Why can’t you ever do anything right” or “That was a dumb thing to say”?

It’s been said that if you tell a child they’re stupid enough, they start to believe it and I believe that’s true. As a child, I received a lot of mixed messages that I carried with me into adulthood. I was told I could accomplish anything I set my mind to and that I was smart but I was also told that I couldn’t run, had a big forehead, big eyes and wouldn’t be loved if I was fat. The positive messages made me successful in school and work but only when I wasn’t weighed down in sadness because of the emotional pain I carried from the negative messages and the abuse I suffered in childhood.

In order to remove the unsupportive beliefs we have about ourselves, we first need to become aware of them and then take repeated steps, “loving action” to replace them with supportive beliefs because if you tell yourself something enough, you start to believe it. Actions speak louder than words so in order to change your negatively charged thoughts, do things that nourish your mind, body and spirit, that make you feel good about yourself, happy and at peace like acknowledging your feelings, eating right, exercising, meditating, going for a stroll in nature, listening to music, joining a support group, going to church, practicing gratitude, not allowing others to mistreat you.

fbpost-self-esteem-2-1-2016

#4 Benefit of Self-Love: SELF-CONFIDENCE

Self-esteem is believing that you are worthy and deserving. The combination of believing you are worthy and deserving along with the belief that you are capable creates self-confidence.

Self-esteem is something I still struggle with which is why sometimes I come off as cocky and a know-it-all. I know I’m capable, there’s never been any doubt of that and I received positive messages about my intellectual brilliance from a very young age. I excel in anything I put my mind and effort into yet there was always a part of me that was clouded by self-doubt and a feeling of unworthiness. I always worried about what other people would think. Would I be congratulated or made to feel like I could have done better? Would they see how hard I worked or would they be dismissive of my efforts?

My dependence on other people’s approval and trying to prove my worth created a lot of stress on my psyche. I became a workaholic so my bosses would recognize what a dedicated worker I was. I became addicted to love and sex to please partners so they would love and appreciate me. I learned how to become someone else in public, putting on a smile, being the good girl and the accomplished woman. All that effort created a wall between the persona I’d created and the person I really was inside.

I had an inherent fear that even if I accomplished everything my heart desired that it would all fall apart because I didn’t deserve to have it.

Understanding how and why I had compartmentalized so much of myself that I couldn’t find my way back to me through hypnotherapy and NLP has helped tremendously in restoring my self-worth and letting go of my addictions but it’s an ongoing process. My message to you is that you can heal, you will feel better but you have to choose to make yourself a priority.

fbpost-self-confidence-2-2-2016

Below are four practices you can start today to build a foundation of self-love including self-worth, self-respect, self-esteem and self-confidence.

Lastly, I also recommend reading Pema Chodron’s “Comfortable with Uncertainty: 108 Teachings on Cultivating Fearlessness and Compassion (https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1590306260?ie)

Advertisements

29 Benefits of Committing to Abundance

29 benefits of committing to abundance

Contrary to popular belief, good things do not happen to those who wait. Good things happen to those who take action. If you want to live a life with no regrets, one that is joyful and meaningful, surrounded by people who value, love and support you, full of memorable experiences and the fulfillment of your deepest desires, then you must commit to abundance.

When you commit to abundance:

  1. You activate as a receiver attracting positive energy
  2. You naturally achieve a balanced life because you become your #1 priority
  3. You stop majoring in minor things and break through challenges quicker and come out stronger
  4. You create a direct and clear connection to universal source
  5. You discover your core truths, the driving forces behind your commitments
  6. And you will be empowered to live in accordance with them
  7. You evolve into the highest expression of yourself
  8. You achieve mental, spiritual, physical and emotional freedom
  9. You express gratitude for what you have and more to be grateful for comes your way
  10. You kickstart and supercharge your personal growth
  11. You heal the wounds of the past
  12. Others are inspired by you and want to be near your high vibration
  13. Your word becomes your law as you live in integrity with yourself
  14. You live with intention as your every move is in direct alignment with your soul’s mission
  15. You are guided by your inner knowing
  16. You attract love and give love unconditionally
  17. You manifest your deepest desires easily
  18. You practice the art of positive motivation to achieve all your goals
  19. You nurture your body, spirit, heart, and soul
  20. You become open to unimaginable blessings
  21. You are driven by passion heard in the words you speak, seen in the things you do and known by the choices you make
  22. You discover the power within you that enables you to face any challenge certain of victory
  23. You live on purpose not easily swayed by distractions
  24. You reclaim the power you allowed others to have over you
  25. You release the blocks that kept you from moving forward
  26. You resolve and dissolve the attachment to the painful stories of your past
  27. You transcend your pain and transform it into your purpose
  28. You unleash your limitless potential
  29. Your vision becomes your reality with each step you take on your healing journey

In order to commit to abundance, you must de-commit to lack, de-commit to destructive behaviors and habits, de-commit to disserving beliefs and attitudes, de-commit to broken promises, de-commit to disempowering stories of the past. When you commit to abundance, you commit to happiness, you commit to healing, you commit to now, you commit to YOU!

What are you committed to? Unveil the unconscious commitments that are no longer serving you and formally declare new commitments to attract abundance into your life with the New Commitment Worksheet, a guide to help you connect to your innermost dreams and desires, expose and reframe negative mental chatter, and adopt new habits & behaviors to ensure your success. You can access this worksheet and more when you join The Soul Sanctuary, an online library of awareness shifting e-books, worksheets, hypnosis recordings, self-study master classes, tips and more to bring Your True Self back into your life.

Achieve Personal Freedom By Living With Intention

What does it mean to live with intention?

It means that everything you are, say, and do is on purpose, aligned, and growth focused.

Being intentional starts with a goal and is supported by self-awareness, accountability, and integrity.

Living intentionally requires courage and authenticity. Courage to be unapologetic and boundaried, truthful, and transparent.

Living intentionally means that you are unwavering in your values and beliefs.

To be intentional means to be unequivocal in your commitments and capacities.

Living intentionally results in inner peace, personal freedom, and empowerment in the face of obstacles, challenges, adversity, and opposition.

Why is self-awareness important?
In order to identify and clear away the muck surrounding your past and current reasons and excuses regarding your life and make more empowered choices in future.

Why is accountability important?
In order to take active responsibility for your choices, decisions, and results and not fall victim to blame and shame when the outcomes are less than desirable.

Why is integrity important?
In order to build up your muscles of self-trust, self-respect, and self-love, creating a supportive foundation for continuous personal success.

Love Yourself The Way You Want to Be Loved and Never Be Disappointed Again

The Buddha said “Attachment is the root of suffering” and I clarify that and say that expectation, the attachment to someone other than yourself fulfilling your desires, is the root of suffering.

Never greater is our suffering than in a relationship. Be it platonic, familial or intimate, never is our imperfect humanness more apparent than when we are relating to others. Never is the abundance of opportunity for freedom and enlightenment more prevalent than in our relationships.

Too often we look to others to sustain us, to complete us, to approve of us, to validate us, to fulfill us, to repair us, to save us so much so that when they “fail us” as they will inevitably do, we are left broken and that is no state to be in.

No one else can be as motivated to do for you than you can be for yourself. FACT: No one else has your motivations, has lived your experiences or has your perspectives when combined create your desires. Then why, if your desires are your own, would you expect someone else to manifest them for you?

Certainly, others may help us along our journey to our destination: bliss but no one other than you can reach your bliss and the longer you depend on or expect others to take you to your bliss, the farther away you get from your true destination.

Love yourself the way you want to be loved and never be disappointed again.

Out of Suffering Comes Peace

Adobe Spark (8)

I don’t believe in the biblical sense of heaven and hell but I do believe they can be experienced. Suffering is a place. A perpetual place of pain the living can and do get stuck in. I was once stuck in this place. That was hell for me. I found a way out through psychology, hypnotherapy, energy work, life coaching and NLP.

Moving out of suffering requires (1) awareness, a knowledge of self, (2) accountability, taking 100% responsibility, and (3) integrity, living in accordance with your values.

Applying these principles to my daily life allows me to experience peace.

Peace for me is accepting that there will be moments of pain and sorrow in life and a knowing that I am able to experience those moments without getting stuck there or without seeking a quick fix to dull the pain in addictions or unhealthy attachments.

Finding Yourself After a Lifetime of Hiding

I had become an expert at hiding. It’s what I did best. I was actually proud of it. Who wants to deal with all of those bothersome feelings that get in the way of getting shit done? I was under the illusion that I could live life unaffected by my baser human emotions like empathy and sympathy. Strangely enough, I’ve always been very compassionate and kind but that was easy because I didn’t have to be vulnerable to show compassion to others. In fact, I learned, the kinder I was, the more liked I was while never having to reveal the real me.

Heaven forbid I had to share my feelings. That was my kryptonite. Whether to friends or therapists, the relationship was not long lived once I had spilled my beans. Emotional closeness felt like stepping on a slug barefoot, it was yucky. It was also scary. The facade I had created of a successful, strong, capable and functioning member of society was at risk if I let on to what was really going on inside. A tangled mess of confusion, loneliness, anxiety, depression and disconnection.

Watching 3 Mics yesterday on Netflix brought this all back up. The memories of my 20-something-year-old self desperately seeking help for the emotionally broken child within me sobbing uncontrollably as I repeated over and over the story of my childhood in therapists’ office while at the same time running as far away from the pain as I could in the arms of lovers, both foreign and domestic.

3 Mics is a comedy special, a one-man show by Neal Brennan. His one liners were funny but what left an indelible impression on me was his candid revelations of his own journey through depression as a result of growing up with a violent, alcoholic, and narcissistic father. I envy people who can string together minimal words into impactful sentences. Listening to him describe his story and reading comments on his page from his fans sharing how they felt like he was telling their story reinforces a truth that while our stories may be unique, our pain is the same.

He recalls growing up as the youngest of his parent’s 10 children, with a father that took up all the physical and emotional space in a room learning to stifle his feelings so that eventually they atrophied and in order to feel anything, in essence, became addicted to achievement and adrenaline and yet the rush of his successes never quite satisfying his core needs, to which I can wholeheartedly relate.

I used achievement and adrenaline to feel as well. Growing up I didn’t feel seen or appreciated so in school and work, I worked hard to be recognized as talented and dedicated, which was made easy by being an INTJ. Adrenaline came in the form of drama, relationship drama specifically. If I wasn’t having one-night stands with strange men then I was stirring up havoc in my relationships as a result of my love addiction and intimacy avoidance.

Unlike Neal, I’ve never been medicated. I never got far enough with any therapist to have that topic come up. I just learned to cope and hide when things got too real. Until I had had enough of the turmoil. I was fed up with spinning my wheels in life, love, and career. There is no one path to emotional freedom but the result I believe is universal, reconnecting with your true self, your forgotten self, learning to help the broken child within you become whole again.

This is the journey I began about 5 years ago and one I continue on, with compassion and love for myself.

face-1-pinterest

The Choice is Yours

The choice is yours (2)

There are moments when every one of us has contemplated how we came be where we are. Perhaps life just kinda happened without you even realizing where the years went. Perhaps you kept putting off doing that thing you always talked with your best friend about because there was always something else that took priority. Perhaps you’ve just outgrown where you are, where you no longer feel the same drive or passion for what you did before.

However you got here, there’s a question hovering in the air around these thoughts. That question is, ‘is this it’? Asking or wondering, ‘is this it?’ presupposes there’s a bubbling maybe a burning desire for more than what you have, more than who you are, more than what you’ve done and more than what you’ve known.

For some, this is an exciting place to be in life and for others, it’s downright frightening because how do you become something you’ve never been? The answer’s quite simple really. It’s a choice. You either choose to live with asking the perpetual question of ‘is this it?’, looking at everything and everyone around you, resentment growing, sucking your spirit dry or you choose, despite the fear, discomfort, and uncertainty, to open to the experience of discovering.

You see, the how is not important, it’s the doing that energizes and motivates and creates momentum. It’s in the doing that you become alive again. The doing connects new synaptic pathways, broadening your perspective and your insight into never before aware of possibilities. So how do you start doing amidst fear, discomfort, and uncertainty? With a lot of faith and unconditional love and compassion for yourself. Faith in the certainty that you are divinely supported in your choosing to grow. Unconditional love and self-compassion that no matter how many times you falter or get sidetracked, that you love yourself without judgment and criticism.

So the choice is yours, step into faith or shrink back. I hope you choose stepping into faith so you can begin this journey of exploring the wonders and beauty of what is now possible for you.

pattern-2-pinterest

Speaking My Truth: I Am Ok, Safe, and Worthy

Adobe Spark (3)

“If I feel like nothing without you, I have a lot of work to do on myself!” -Wendyne Limber

That sentence really struck me as I did today’s reading recalling the tension I felt in previous relationships, logically knowing when it was time to let go but being unable to because I only felt okay when I was with someone. When I was alone, I was depressed and directionless. I had a savior complex, one that worked both ways in that I felt powerful enough to save someone else and was also in need of saving. My feeling was if we could save each other, we wouldn’t need anything or anyone else.

So desperate was I to live that role that I would do anything to keep my partner, even if that meant tossing aside my values. I don’t drink but I started drinking for a girlfriend who thought I was boring and felt that if only I would drink, I would open up more and be more fun. It was fun, for about a week but I couldn’t sustain it, I didn’t want to and so she ended it.

I begged her to take me back promising to change, to be more fun, and she did but it was a mistake and we both knew it and spent another year in hell.

Write YOUR OWN NEW COMMITMENT to your partner or some person you are in relationship with. What do you really want?

I am not in a relationship currently but know what I want of a future partner and that is a conscious communicator and emotionally healthy being. This is who I’ve committed to being and want no less from a partner.

A conscious communicator shares themselves fully and is both powerful and vulnerable. Their thoughts, feelings, ideas, concerns, and passions are expressed with an intention to grow as an individual and to grow closer in the relationship. They speak and respond with loving kindness for connection and with compassion rather than judgment and blame.

An emotionally healthy being follows their inner guidance and takes responsibility for their feelings, reactions, and path in life. They do not rely on someone else to fulfill their emotional needs, to save, fix or protect them. They actively and consistently work to understand themselves, recognizing their triggers and taking action to resolve them.


 

This concludes my series on Speaking My Truth. The course I’m taking, Intimacy Without Responsibility goes for 7 weeks but I felt this series a very important piece in cultivating healthy relationships. I hope you enjoyed learning more about me and hope you learned something about yourself as well. If you’d like to take the course yourself, you can find the details here.

Speaking My Truth: Question Your Beliefs

Adobe Spark (2)

While relationships are a perfect environment for healing and evolving, there’s usually some growing pains that come before that due to our belief system.

I entered relationships with baggage, baggage from my childhood and baggage from previous relationships. That baggage included a distrust of people, a need to be wanted and approved of, a need to appear perfect, a need to be loved, and a need to be right.

When these things were questioned or not provided, I didn’t go within to question what it was about my belief system that led me to feel hurt, betrayed or powerless, rather I blamed others for not meeting my standards or having unresolved issues and therefore weren’t worthy of my time and affection.

It’s only through challenging my belief system that my growth began. Do not be afraid of what you might learn. Being triggered in relationships is an opportunity to heal and transform.

What behaviors in others or in your mate do you GATHER EVIDENCE TO PROVE?

Whenever I felt my partners losing interest, self-doubt turned to jealousy. My lack of self-confidence and self-esteem supported my belief that I was unlovable and not worthy. That belief then supported the belief that my partners didn’t love me or were cheating on me or no longer found me attractive.

I certainly didn’t have hard evidence but so sure was I in my belief that I was not enough that even words of reassurance couldn’t assuage my growing mistrust and malcontent.

Speaking My Truth: I No Longer Give My Power Away

Adobe Spark (1)

Relationships are the perfect environment to grow as a person when you are willing to hear your partner’s truth without taking offense and are also able to speak your truth without fear.

For many years, I was unwilling to recognize that I carried with me a lot of hurt and pain from my childhood that affected how I showed up in my intimate relationships. I was needy and controlling and both unsure and arrogant at the same time.

If I was ever at fault, I would blame the other. If anyone deigned to look below the surface and not only saw but pointed out my imperfection, that relationship was not long to last.

Becoming emotionally healthy requires you to look within at the roles you play in your relationships, intimate, platonic, familial and work. The responsibility for a successful relationship falls on both parties to show up consciously and fearlessly.

Do not be afraid to know yourself and allow others the wonderful opportunity to know themselves through relationship with you.

What things do you REACT to in communication and relationship with others? Where is your judgment? What kinds of behaviors and other stuff really trigger you with a partner, friend or family member?

In intimate relationships, whenever I felt less than perfect or when I had disappointed someone, I would go into panic mode and do anything to prove myself. I would get very defensive, unwilling to hear if I had done or said something that was unfair or incorrect or hurtful.

If the relationship was ending because I wasn’t right for someone, I carried around anger for that person, picking apart their words and behavior, making them the one with fault and imperfection.

I wanted to be wanted. I wanted to be my partner’s everything and in turn, they became my everything so much so that when I wasn’t enough, I became very jealous and controlling.